Groucho Marx Biography | Inspiration Quotations | Motivation Quotes

Groucho Marx Motivational Quotations:

• “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

•  “Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

• “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

• “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

• “I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.”

• “I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”

• “I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.”

• “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”

• “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”

• “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

• “Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”

• “A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”

• “I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.”

• “It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”

• “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.”

• “Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.”

• “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”

• “Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”

• “In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”

• “Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.”

• “She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”

• “Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”

• “Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?”

• “I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.”

• “I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”

• “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”

• “Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”

• “Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!”

• “Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”

• “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

• “A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.”

• “Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”

• “I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
• “I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”

• “Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”

• “Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.”

• “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

• “I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.”

• “Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
  “A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

• “Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.”

• “There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.”

• “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”
  “I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.”

• “Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.”
  “I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.”

• “Before I speak, I have something important to say.”
  “My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.”

• “I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.”

• “The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.”

• “Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.”

• “If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.”

• “I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”